SEEEEXXX PLEASE
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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