I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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