so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
