I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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