im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
