Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
