So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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