Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
