Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
