good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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