I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
