My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
