Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
