wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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