Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
