I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We are two peas in an std pod
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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