I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
