i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
