It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
tell me about the eggs
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
