is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
