You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
