trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
