The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
