I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
