Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
