i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
