i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
