i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
