The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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