Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
