I just saw a hot homeless man
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
