Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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