We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
