This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
