i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
