I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
