My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
