She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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