My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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