So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
