Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
