Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
