Your face is a jimmy john
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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