I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
