i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
