I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Everyone says I win the strip club
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
