Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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