I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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