I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
