Pants 0. Shit 1.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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