there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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