He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
