Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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