Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
